Volume 13 / Issue 6 / May 2002
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Volume 13 / Issue 6 / May 2002 |
The boys talk about everything else on their, uh, agenda
Jonathan: Well, we started this column in randomness back in September ...
Tommy: So, let's end it just the same.
Jonathan: At the beginning of the year, we came up with a list of possible topics that the three of us could explore for you all, our adoring fans.
Tommy: Hi, Mom!
Jonathan: Right ... Well, we didn't get to all of them. So, for you, and you, and your mom, we proudly present ... Tommy, Mikey, and Jonathan discussing everything left over!
Mikey: Booyah!
Going To a Bar & Grill
Jonathan: Well, here we are in a bar & grill. Not really. Actually, it's my room.
Tommy: We ran out of gas.
Mikey: Yeah, but your room seems like a bar & grill. I mean, there's a refrigerator and a microwave. So we could probably say we're in a fridge and wave.
Tommy: I'm going to a bar & grill on Thursday.
Jonathan: Hmm ... this topic blows. Maybe we should move on.
Tommy: Or maybe we should order some fried chicken! Everybody loves some fried chicken! I know Mikey does! That fried chicken loving Mikey!
Mikey: What the phuhck are you talking about?
Tommy: I'm hungry.
Mikey: Sure.
Jonathan: Moving on ...
Discussing Seasonal Festivities
Mikey: I remember when I came down with a mean case of seasonal festivities.
Jonathan: You make that joke in every issue!
Mikey: No I don't!
Jonathan: Yeah, well, I don't have to take this nonsense. I'm going to go look for dolphin porn.
Tommy: Nope, we'll have none of that. Back to seasonal festivities ...
Mikey: I hate you, Jonathan ...
Tommy: I like Spring.
Jonathan: Yeah, well you can kiss my ass, Mikey!
Tommy: Spring is my favorite time of year.
Mikey: Bring it, English boy!
Tommy: All the trees are in bloom ...
Jonathan: Oh, you want a piece of me, Mr. I'm-a-Drama-Major-But-I'm-Not-Going-to-Declare-So-That-I-Can-Get-Out-of-Strike?
Tommy: ... And the weather becomes warm and comfortable ...
Mikey: Oh yeah, Mr. Oh-Look-I-Got-A-Bob-Day-Tie-Oooh! Well, I can tell you where to shove that Bob Day tie!
Tommy: Spring break is in Spring. I had a good Spring Break.
Jonathan: You know what? I don't think you're even a real person, Meagher! What the hell kind of name is that anyway? You Irish are all alike. Bunch of drunken, no good, lazy, stupid as ...
Tommy: ... Aspen, Colorado is a nice place to visit during Spring. Especially in early Spring. I think I know someone who went skiing there over Spring Break ...
Mikey: Wait a minute ... Aren't you Irish, you red haired commie bastard?
Jonathan: No, I'm not Irish! How dare you!
Tommy: I have a friend who is Irish ...
Jonathan: Wait ... maybe I am Irish ... Still, that's no reason why I can't make fun of you for your ethnicity, Me-egg-hair!
Mikey: Okay, Ruh-tee-shin!
Tommy: I think John Denver was part Irish. He liked to go to Colorado, but he's dead now. I miss him ... sometimes ... Well, not very often ...
Jonathan & Mikey: WHAT????
Talking About Sex
(Long Awkward Silence)
Jonathan: So ... you guys wanna ... ya know ... talk about it?
Mikey: (singing) Let's talk about sex, baby / Let's talk about you and me / Let's talk about all the good things and the bad th ... Oh ... ahem ... hi.
Tommy: Thank you for stopping.
Jonathan: There's nothing to be ashamed of. We should be proud to talk about sex. Proud to discuss the way our bodies work. I think we should just all come out and say it. We have penises and we like them. Go ahead, you guys try ...
Mikey: Yep, I've got a penis, and I'm not afraid to use it.
Tommy: I've got a penis, and right now it's scared ... scared of you two creepy men ...
Jonathan: Very good! My penis and I are proud of both of you.
Tommy: We can tell.
Mikey: Put that thing away!
Jonathan: Is it really that obvious?
Mikey: So ... sex ... It's when a man loves a woman ...
Tommy: He can't keep his mind on nothing else ...
Mikey: Well, ok ... when two people are horny ...
Jonathan: They love you long time ... .
Mikey: It's when birds and bees somehow mate with humans to form bird-humans and they attack large cities. Swarms of them ...
Tommy: Like in that Godzilla movie ... that movie sucked ...
Mikey: At least, that's what my dad told me. My mom told me I'd go blind.
Jonathan: Mike, we're over here.
Mikey: Oh, sorry. Like I was saying ...
Tommy: I think sex is best explained by that episode of The Simpsons when Homer takes his family to the track. Bart asks why that dog is trying to jump over that other dog and just can't make it and he shouts "Come on, boy, you can do it!" Yeah, it's kind of like that. Only it's people and not at the track.
Jonathan: Maybe we should mention love somewhere in here.
Tommy: I love you guys.
Mikey: Put that away!
Jonathan: Next topic! Dear God, next topic!
Spending an Evening on Duty
Jonathan: This one would work better if Tommy, our resident assistant here, actually was on duty tonight.
Mikey: Let's pretend anyway.
Jonathan: So, Tommy, is it customary for you "on duty" RAs to come to a bar & grill like this?
Mikey: Or to go on duty with a gun and billy club?
Tommy: (playing flute)
Jonathan: That's not an answer.
Tommy: Sorry ... being on duty Sunday through Thursday means you go on rounds twice and probably have a random lockout call at some point. Being on rounds Friday and Saturday night usually involves asking a few parties to quiet down, confiscating and dumping out a few beer bottles, and going on three rounds.
Mikey: This has been another episode of Useless Crap. Stay tuned for next week's episode entitled "Tommy Makes a Bagel."
Tommy: Mmmm ... bagel ...
Jonathan: So ... when you're on duty ... do you ever just get the urge to yell "Yippee" and swing your flashlight around?
Tommy: No.
Jonathan: I have no further questions.
Tommy: Mikey, any questions from you?
Mikey: Nope.
Tommy: Excellent! Next topic ...
Jonathan: Wait, I thought of one!
Tommy: Yes?
Jonathan: Where do babies come from?
Tommy: Well ... first a guy and a girl ...
Mikey: Next topic! Next topic!
Growing Beards
Jonathan: I got mine!
Mikey: Me too! Um ... Tommy ... I think you failed ...
Tommy: Hey, I've got more even facial hair than the two of you combined.
Jonathan: That's not facial hair.
Tommy: No, stop now!
Jonathan: Stop what?
Mikey: Next TOPIC!!!
Visiting Historical Landmarks
Jonathan: Well, here we are at Washington College, the first college chartered in the newly formed United States.
Tommy: And some buildings still haven't been renovated.
Mikey: Insert rimshot here.
Tommy: And then cry because it's probably your dorm.
Mikey: Okay, Tommy, we get it, the school has problems, but it's historical!
Jonathan: Yeah, I mean, just think, two hundred years ago students were in this spot, talking to each other, studying together, writing, complaining about President Toll ...
Tommy: Except for the students who couldn't make it into the buildings because of the lack of on campus access for disabled students ... Oh, wait, that's still a problem.
Jonathan: Yeah, just like blood letting.
Mikey: God bless Health Services!
Jonathan: That reminds me, I wonder if I'm pregnant ...
Tommy: Wow, we're a bunch of cynics.
Mikey: And how!
Jonathan: Yep, but at least we're not made of cheese and commanded by robot scorpions from Mars who put potato salad in their shorts and sing show tunes in Swedish.
Mikey: What in the hell is wrong with you? Don't you know we are!
Tommy: Next topic, please! Next topic!
Having a Slumber Party
Mikey: Can I braid your hair?
Jonathan: No.
Discussing Bathroom Etiquette
Tommy: You make a mess, you clean it up.
Jonathan: I think it's important to our readership, Tommy's mom excluded, that we point out the rules of the urinal at this juncture.
Tommy: Didn't Mikey have an entire monologue about that a couple months ago?
Mikey: Yes, yes I did. Two words: Aim straight.
Jonathan: Well, and then there are the spacing rules. Leave an open urinal between you and your fellow peeing persons. It's kind, it's useful, it's the right thing to do.
Tommy: Wash your damn hands.
Jonathan: Now we just sound preachy.
Mikey: Put that away!
Jonathan: What about women's bathroom etiquette?
Tommy: Same as a man's: Wash your hands!
Mikey: I don't think they have any aiming issues. And I don't think they use urinals. I don't think we have anything useful to say to them. I mean, we don't have vaginas.
Jonathan: Nope, but we're not afraid to say the word vagina! Thanks to a play called the "Vagina Monologues"! And thanks to Laura Schoen. Thank you, Laura! Vagina! Vagina, vagina, vagina ...
Tommy: That's enough.
Signing Off
Jonathan: Well, it's been a good year, guys. Sometimes we've been poignant. Most of the time we've been silly and should never be taken seriously. But all in all, it's been good fun.
Mikey: Don't leave me ...
Tommy: This is the last year for Jonathan and I. We're going on to bigger and better things, like trying to find work and homes ... and ... and ... I'm scared.
Jonathan: Tommy and I are going where the great writers of the past, Chris, Joel, and Dennis, have gone before us.
Tommy: Maryland Public Television?
Jonathan: No, fool. www.crunchable.net.
Tommy: Insert plug here.
Mikey: Put that away!
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